Was kept awake by Cepheus

from 230am till now, while he keep fidgeting around for the past 1.5 hours and waking up twice for water.. i wasnt able to catch any sleep now...

Having a child means sacrificing your freedom, time, sleep, energy and even some luxuries and so on.. sometimes i wonder if its really worth it.. actually if you have a partner who gave out as much as you do, maybe you will feel that everything is worth it.. just like April, Pei yi and Aiyan, they are ones who are so engrossed with their children and family and everything seems perfect for them that keep having children sounds like a blessing to them that sometimes i really feel if this is the right kind of life for me, as i am unlike them.. they have the every support they need from every angle they can find, be it spouse, family or career.. or was it just all mental?  Maybe they are just born with mother instinct that can help them overcome all issues that nothing seems to be an issue for them somehow..

Knowing that having children is not easy esp that you may not have the same kind of support that you may wish you have, i still went ahead to conceive Calyce (the name given by her father).  Knowing that life is going to be tougher and more responsibilities that i will be tasked to shoulder on.  After having Cepheus, i know that this is not quite the kind of life that i will enjoy but seeing Cepheus growing up and enjoying his partnership is another stepping stone for me to make towards that big decision of having a Number 2.  The main reason is to give him a companion.. 

But i am really getting very worried and sometimes even depressed seeing the current situation i am being put into.  I know that by making this decision i have the greatest responsibilities towards my children because i am ultimately the one who gave birth to them.. but i somehow already knew that i will have problem coping and living with it.. and i have been pondering if this is really the right path for me and if i will be happy with it, wondering if this is really the right choice for me, but albeit all is too late now.. people may see me as the soccer mum (multi-tasking, able to cope with family and career, can accomplish alot of things at same time) but is this true from within?  i am really just a tired and exhausted old lady from within although appearing tough and energetic on the front.  i am not the perfect mother or wife but i tried my best to give my all to this family, all my time and energy, but somehow, if you keep thinking that you are always the one giving out too much, you will get depressed and disheartened some day.. and some day i don't know what i will do ...