I am finally home

with pain and exhaustion, worries and anxiety... My son was finally born via elective c-sec procedure on 5th May 09, 0947am at 3.175kg.  It occurs to me that he could have heard me talking to him all this while, when i was telling him that he will be born on the 5th, and indeed, my contractions start to come in on the 5th morning.. the surgeons and nurses were quite kan cheong for me as i am already in labor condition when i was pushed into the OT for c-sec.. for the entire list of happenings between the time i am admitted to the time i am awake, refers to my hubby's blog as i cant remember much of them already.. i only remembered that i awoke in intense pain and was crying all the way from the OT into the general ward.. i was in coma waking up a few times during the day for medication and temperature or blood pressure taking.. but most of the time, i am knocked out all the way...

I was finally really conscious and know what's happening by the second morning with the IV drip and the urinary tract still inside me, i have an intense phobia for c-sec due to the pain i have suffered when they try to insert the UT into me when i am fully conscious without the GA.. again the pain was quite unbearable and being first time mother and first time surgery for me.. i dare not request for any pain killers, i only take when the nurse offered to me.. by the third day, i am already crying in my bed until the doc was asking me why i never request for pain killers.. i was so afraid that pain killers may affect my breast feeding in future that i have opted out of it.. but the doctors assured me that the medication they give me will not affect the quality of my milk.. so i safely took it diligently round the clock.. only then am i able to bear the pain and climb down my bed to visit my son..

I visited Cepheus on the third day because the drip and the UT was only taken off me by the third morning.. filled with anxiety and worries, i arrived at the ICU, watching him for the first time and holding him in my hands for the first time, the feeling was indescribable.. it was .. ecstatic!!  But i couldnt hold back the tears in me when i saw my bb lying in the ICU with the cyst on his neck, whenever he cries, i was worried that he was crying because he was in pain.. although the nurses keep assuring me that he wasnt in pain and that he was actually feeding very normally and actually drinking alot of milk and is sleeping well..but the thought of his condition worries me intensely and i couldnt eat nor sleep in the hospital, i suffered from amnesia and would not be able to control the tears from flowing.. the docs were all very worried that i will suffer from post natal depression and they warned my hubby about it..

I tried to stimulate my milk for breast everyday by massaging and pumping with the milk express machine in the ward, but in vain, i am under intense stress that i am not able to produce any milk for my son.. the lactation consultant came over everyday to help me with the massaging and advice and tell me not to give up.. on the fourth day, she inspected me and said i am doing fine and encourage me to keep pumping at home and not giving up..

I was finally discharged yesterday, and we were told that we would be able to bring cepheus home the day before and the operation will take place 3 months later, however we were not convinced by the diagnosis as when we visited him the day before he was found to be facing some breathing difficulties, with deep breathing noises like something was blocking his nose pipe.. we spoke to the PD and the docs did not manage to convince us.. my hubby insisted that the surgeon do another round of checks on our son before we bring him home.. they did a CT scan on him yesterday and found that his condition is not as good as they have thought! his cyst was already resting only a few mm away from his windpipe and as he turns his head, the entire cyst is blocking his pipe until he have difficulty breathing.. he needs to be constantly watched out for his breathing any negligence would mean disastrous.. the surgeon decided to operate on him this coming tuesday instead.. we were glad that we have insisted that they do another check on him and i must say that i am very disappointed with the first diagnosis that they have made on him so hastily and claims that we can bring him home.. as parents out there, please remember that you always have intuitive in you that other people may not be having towards your kids.. being professionals doesnt always mean that they are always right! you have the right to insist on more tests to be carried out to make sure that your loved ones are safe.. we are glad we made the right move and not listen to them blindly as parents and this could jolly well save our son's life!

We will go down to visit Cepheus everyday to make sure that he is taken well care of and i will also try to breast feed him as much as i could.. Cepheus, love of my life, be strong, be calm and be good.. everyone will be praying for you....